And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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