Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
