So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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