They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
