I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
