Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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