dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
So squirting runs in the family.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
