Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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