I don't think brook has ever known best
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
