don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Randomize
