I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
