meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
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She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
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He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
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