there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
