You're earring is so big in my mouth
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.