Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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