he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
