Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
We have started to decorate penises.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
