the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
