my shit smells like andre
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
