If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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