ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
