So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
