I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Randomize
