Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
