I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
