why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize
