Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
meet me or not, i'm out of control
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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