Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
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