in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
