Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
