probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
