if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Come share oat with me in your robe
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
