woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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