we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
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