the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Congratulations! We have a period
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
