I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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