The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
