Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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