If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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