i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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