I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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