between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
It's shark week go big or go home
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
