I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
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