I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
