i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
