I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
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