I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
it hurts more in the daytime
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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