your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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