you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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