I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
