lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
