lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
