he looks like a really good dad on facebook
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
