i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
