Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I think I am morally bankrupt
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
