Too much gin, very little bucket
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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