Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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