Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I cannot find my penis.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
