I'm gonna have a badass scar
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Randomize
