I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
