are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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