It's like a parade of train wrecks.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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